When my first novel was published, you might almost have thought it had nothing to do with me. I didn’t blog about it, or tweet. I didn’t even set up a website. I showed no enthusiasm for a book launch, so publication day passed largely unmarked. Even in casual conversation, whenever anybody asked about the book, I found myself muttering something noncommittal and evasive.
None of which was any reflection on the book itself. Shadow of the Wolf was, by all accounts, a distinguished debut. Bestselling author Sally Green pronounced it her “favourite book of the year.” SFX Magazine called it “weird, wild and wonderful.”
“I truly cannot rave about this book enough.” Reveries of a Bookworm
“This is the darkest, strangest, and possibly coolest version of Robin Hood I’ve ever seen. Highly recommended.” YA Yeah Yeah
So no, my reticence was not because I was ashamed of the novel. If anything, it was the opposite. I’d spent years dreaming and crafting this story; it contained the best of me. Now that it was out in the world, what more did I have to give? Either people would take to the story, or they wouldn’t; nothing I could say or do now would make any difference.
Besides, I told myself, I was right to leave promotion in the hands of the professionals. My expertise lay in the storytelling, which was finished. Now let the publisher and their marketeers take the lead.
All this, I see now, was mere excuses. The real reason I shied away from helping promote the book was because I was afraid. I feared, first and foremost, that all my work would amount to nothing. After expending all that time and energy on Shadow of the Wolf, I was afraid that no-one would even notice it existed. That it would vanish without trace. And my irrational response to this fear? To run and hide, thereby making the realization of that fear far more likely!
But in fact, looking back, I think there was something I feared even more than obscurity. And that was its opposite. What if people did discover Shadow of the Wolf? What if they came to it in droves? Then there would be nowhere left to hide.
In a recent Substack article, poet David Whyte wrote: “The voice emerges literally from the body as a representation of our inner world…no matter what we say, we are revealed.”
If this is true of speech, how much truer of words we’ve curated for the page? My novel was not memoir, or autobiography, or even realist fiction. But are fantasy stories any less revealing? They deal in archetypes, drawn from the depths of the author’s psyche. They are as intimate as dreams. Now, with the publication of my novel, I faced the prospect of strangers peering into my dream-stuff, judging it, perhaps finding it wanting. Could I endure that level of scrutiny, and possible rejection?
All of which begs the question: if I feared exposing my deepest self, why did I write a novel in the first place? I think there’s something in human nature that makes us seek out what we most fear. Perhaps we intuit that in order to be free of our fears we must confront them head-on. Or maybe we know, deep down, that moving towards our fears is the only true way to grow.
All my life, I’ve feared using my voice in front of others. This was most acute when I was young. If required to speak up in the classroom, my chest and throat would feel so tight it seemed a physical impossibility to utter a word. Even at university, making a presentation to a study group was a nerve-wracking ordeal. The reasons for this are complex and obscure. But suffice to say, I never learned to trust my own voice. I’ve doubted what I’ve had to say, and feared the consequences.
And so, when Shadow of the Wolf was released, I said nothing. I failed to stand up for my creation. I’d raised a child, only to push them out the door the moment they could walk, abandoning them to the wild.
Time has passed since then, and hopefully I’m a little wiser. I’ve learned the futility of trying to hide - how it only makes the fear come hunting for you, more potent than ever.
And thankfully I’ve been given a chance to start again. Because now Shadow of the Wolf has been republished. This time, I’ve started as I mean to go on. When my publisher, David Fickling Books, suggested a book launch for the new edition, I answered with an enthusiastic yes.
We held the launch at my favourite café in my home town of Stroud. It was a small gathering for family and a few friends. We chatted about storytelling, and I gave a short reading, and my editor made a very kind and lovely speech about Shadow of the Wolf, and there was chocolate cake, and it was perfect.
All the people who came to the launch had helped shape the book in some way; either through practical guidance or moral support. Having all these people in the same place made me feel accepted and supported and fearless.
More than anything, it helped crystalize an idea that has only recently come to the surface. I used to tell myself that I wrote stories because I loved stories. It was as simple as that. The storytelling was all. But, I finally found myself asking, what is storytelling if not a means to communicate? Stories are vehicles for sharing experience and forging connection. It was never the story that mattered most. It was the people. That was what my writing was all along – it was a call for connection. I’d kept this idea buried out of a kind of self-protection, a fear of rejection, preferring to hide behind my words rather than use them to open to others.
So yes, this time will be different. I’m going to stand out front and champion Shadow of the Wolf, together with its forthcoming sequels, Dark Fire and Wildwood Rising, which together make up The Blind Bowman trilogy. I’ve set up a new website, and started this newsletter. I’ve begun saying yes to speaking events.
And YOU can be a part of this process too. If you read Shadow of the Wolf, and enjoy it, don’t be shy – tell the world! Even if you’re intrigued by the idea of The Blind Bowman, or are interested in what you read here, please help spread the word.
Many thanks for being here, and happy reading!
P.S. Don’t forget to pick up your copy of Shadow of the Wolf. Those who’ve read it before will find it’s been revised and revamped and is well worth revisiting!
Related reading: Show Your Work, by Austin Kleon
A book about self-promotion “for people who hate the very idea of self-promotion.”