I didn’t start meditating so I could be a better writer. I started meditating because I was suffering.
Admittedly, I was facing major struggles with my writing. Having shown early promise as a journalist, then completing my first novel and seeing it published, all progress had ground to a halt. I laboured to write my second book, for months on end, but barely produced a useable word.
People go through worse. But for someone who had invested so much energy – so much of his personality – in the idea of being a writer, this was a difficult phase. Months became years, and still the second novel went nowhere. The more bogged down I became, the harder I tried to plot and plan and force the story to do my bidding – and the more it resisted, becoming ever more turgid.
Meanwhile, real life went on, presenting all its challenges. The various jobs I took alongside writing were dead ends; none lasted very long. I had a young family, with all the stress and sleepless nights that entails. My parents began to suffer serious ill health.
All of which was difficult enough. But I understand now that my mind was adding layers of additional torment.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” [Hamlet]
In short, I had bad thoughts. As my writing continued to stagnate, I told myself I only had myself to blame. I should never have been so arrogant to think I could write fiction in the first place. I was a failure. I would never be good enough. In this fog of self-recrimination, I had the awful sense that life was passing me by, and I was missing my children grow up.
And then, mercifully, I was introduced to Jon Kabat-Zinn. A friend handed me a recording of his brilliant audio: Mindfulness for Beginners. I sat and listened to his instructions, and I learned to meditate.
That was seven years ago, and I’ve meditated pretty much every day since. I’ve learned various techniques from many different teachers, both online and face to face. I’ve been on retreats. I’ve joined a sangha: a local Buddhist group. I’ve made wonderful friends who, like me, have found a regular meditation practice to be transformative.
The first thing meditation did was reveal to me I am not my thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not reality. Some of them feel very powerful, and seem very real, but they are still just thoughts. All those thoughts that had been swamping me – how I had let everyone down and would never amount to anything – meditation helped me see them for what they were: momentary ripples upon the surface of my mind. Nothing more. Once you begin to relate to thoughts in that way, you don’t have to take them so personally. You can sit back, watch them arise and pass by. You can breathe.
It took a while, but gradually I escaped the crush of past regrets and future fears. I started coming back into the present, where I could appreciate all the wonderful things my life was already offering. Meditation did not magically make all my problems disappear. But it did allow me to face my challenges with greater courage, without adding layers of catastrophizing.
It does not feel like an exaggeration to say that meditation gave me back my life.
And yes, as part of boundless gift, it also helped unlock my writing. Because, as it turns out, the faculties you foster in meditation are exactly those you need to write well.
After all, it’s impossible to write a coherent word when your mind is full of noise. This is doubly true if that noise is critical – if it’s telling you your writing is no good, and it won’t ever be any good, and you’re no good. In order to tap your imagination, you must first quieten those voices, and sink into that still quiet place where stories live and breathe.
Meditation helps me tap that undisturbed state of mind – to enter that creative trance. As a consequence, my stories have begun to flow once more. I completed my second novel, Dark Fire, and a third, Wildwood Rising, and now have a trilogy of novels ready to go out into the world.
This turnaround was not the result of meditation alone. I’ve made dozens of other lifestyle and habit changes that have helped reinvigorate my writing. This newsletter will largely be about that process – what steps worked, and which didn’t, and the lessons others can draw from my experience. I’ll be back soon to share more…
Until then, thanks for reading – I truly appreciate you being here!
T K Hall
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